There is nothing worse than watching your child choose to die.

Yet for millions of North American parents, such is the case.

In Canada, more than one in four girls battles an eating disorder. Twenty per cent of them will die.

Eating disorders are a largely psychological disorder, stemming from a hunger for control and acceptance.

Today’s starvation fad can be traced to the family unit being invaded by the media’s overpowering voice. The average adolescent watches three to four hours of television a day, and one in every three commercials sends a message about what is “attractive.” Each year, the average teen or preteen is subjected to more than 5,260 “attractiveness messages,” according to the National Eating Disorders Association.

Treatment is unique to every child, but ultimately, the healing begins when each family member takes responsibility for his or her part of the process.

Starving for control

Young girls have indicated in surveys that they are more afraid of being overweight than they are of cancer, nuclear war or losing their parents. Sadly, I was one of those girls.

Anorexia nervosa is the purposeful starvation of oneself, combined with excessive exercise, with the intent of being thin. Symptoms and results include anxiety, self-inflicted isolation, shortness of breath, loss of menstrual periods, loss of hair, weakened cuticles and strained organs.

At the age of nine, I joined the other 80 per cent of my age group who were already dieting. As a pastor’s kid from a home-schooling family, starting public school in grade five served as a huge shock.

I handled it by controlling my weight.

For years, my mother had dished out my meals. It was a routine that, when I reached this point of confusion in my young life, made me feel powerless. I was grasping for some sort of familiarity and sense of control. Slowly, I began to cut food out of my life until I was eating a peach for breakfast, some pickles for lunch and a scoop of corn for supper.

My parents tried counsellors, menus, punishments and the Toronto Sick Kids’ Hospital. But it was only after I had dropped to 60 pounds and was purple from hypothermia that I wanted help. That’s when my father announced he was admitting me into a local hospital, where I stayed until I recovered.

While patience and prayer are the biggest solutions for parents of children with anorexia, there are preliminary measures to take. First, give your children the freedom of choice. Let them scoop out their own servings, let them choose their hobbies and let them explore their faith – and be comfortable asking tough questions about it.

Second, educate your children about health, and warn them of diseases like anorexia.

Finally, tell them they’re beautiful, in a way that gets through to each child’s unique spirit. Speaking your child’s love language will give her the freedom she craves.

Purging to be pretty

Bulimia nervosa consists of deliberate binging followed by purging, instigated by depression or stress.

While bulimics often maintain a normal body weight, indications include large consumptions of food, frequent trips to the bathroom and compulsive exercising.

Constant purging results in erosion of tooth enamel, dental cavities, stomach ulcers, dehydration, risk of a heart attack and rupture of the stomach and oesophagus.

Thirteen-year-old Carolyn became bulimic at the age of five. “[Vomiting] was her way of responding to situations which weren’t ‘perfectly peaceful’ – of having control over her life,” says her mother. With a father who struggled with a pornography addiction, Carolyn became confused about the true meaning of “personal value.”

At the age of 12, she began throwing up and exercising constantly. One day, she collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. Her condition too severe for a normal psychiatric floor, her parents sent her to a treatment centre in Arizona, because Canada offers very little for girls under 13.

“Believe me, my daughter was about to die,” says her mom.

Although this Biblically-based program boasts a 95 per cent success rate, Carolyn only got worse. It wasn’t until she was re-admitted into a hospital close to home that she decided to get better.

Despite having spent thousands of dollars on doctors’ bills and books, Carolyn’s mother says the only thing that really worked was God’s intervention. She advises, “Get as many people as possible to pray for your child, especially if they don’t have a great connection with God themselves. Pay attention to your kids; learn what their weaknesses and strengths are and then you can help them. Find a mentor for them. Finally, if they have siblings, it’s equally important to pay attention to them.”

Mercy ministries

While professional check-in facilities for young girls with eating disorders are scant in Canada, Mercy Ministries in Surrey, B.C., is available for women aged 16 to 28.

Pastor Helen Burns of Victory Christian Centre founded Mercy Ministries Canada after helping her daughter combat a 10-year battle with food.

“[Eating disorders] are an easy trap for girls [who] are particularly vulnerable at an age when they are struggling to discover who they are,” says Burns. “Their self-image is being challenged in multiple ways.”

Her advice to parents noticing low self-esteem in their daughter? “Don’t panic. Stay steady, stay focused on her inner beauty. If she wants to exercise, that’s great, but don’t let her make the connection that she’s starting to do this because her body is starting to look unacceptable. Talk to her about what it means to take care of her body.”

If your child is already struggling with an eating disorder, Burns says, “She needs your help. She needs a team of people to gather around her and to rescue her. If she’s fallen deep into this trap, she will have a mind that’s full and dark with negative thoughts about herself. She needs you to show her a reflection of who she really is.”

Yet it’s important to recognize that only your daughter can choose to get better. “You can’t do the work for that loved one. No one can. The only way out of a bad habit is to create a new way of doing things and to choose the new way, regardless of how hard it is, over and over until it becomes a new habit.”

In a Brio article entitled “The Trap of Eating Disorders,” Stacey White writes, “As Christians, we can do more than hold each other’s hair back when it comes to anorexia and bulimia. By understanding where the core of the problem lies and checking what the Bible has to say about our bodies, we can grasp a hope and a faith that’s out of this world.”

While I still battle the “eating-disorder mentality,” I am grateful for life’s new-found purpose. I long to help other young women realize that food is merely a means, not an end.

No matter where your child is at, there’s hope. Eating can be redeemed as a necessary act to nourish the bodies God gave to us and bring the glory back to Him.